I Am Getting Old...

I have to confess this post is quite irrelevant to sociology / social psychology. OK, maybe a little (I try). There’s this chapter we never covered.

I reconnected with a long lost friend recently, thanks to the Internet. Well, maybe I should say ex-colleague. We haven’t seen each other for the past 13 years. If I remember correctly, the last time we were in touch with each other was over the phone. Then he left to go back to Australia and we lost touch since.

Then there are these two friends: one was a friend from secondary school, Kaye; Steph went to the same primary and secondary schools as I did, but we didn’t really hang out with each other during school days.

We reconnected 5 years after we left secondary school, in Singapore. We have all ended up working in Singapore. Steph happened to be working in the same company as me, but in different branch. We met each other on a company family day. Then she hooked me up with Kaye again. And we have been meeting occasionally ever since.

I felt that I am getting old (especially when I am going to celebrate my nth birthday soon). You know it when all you do is reminiscing the past.

But of course that’s not the point. The point is: it is not easy to maintain a relationship. Psychologists have identified the various factors that influence the ups and downs of our close relationships: two relevant ones are “equity” and “self-disclosure”. Steph, Kaye, and I, we all contributed to maintaining our friendship; we take turns to initiate our get-togethers, we make an attempt to celebrate our birthdays, we provide support for each other because we share similar background, certain memories, and values. And the outcomes we receive are proportional to what we contribute to it – equity is reached.

As a relationship (not just romantic ones) grows, we reveal more and more of ourselves to one another. In other words, we know each other better. We have shared with each other our sorrows and our happiness – our journey in life – ups and downs in our romantic relationships, marriage, religions, death of family member, our MOTHERS… All these strengthen our friendship.

I guess it is not so much of the time you spend with each other. It is the emotional support you give each other that really matters. I feel that to maintain a relationship, each must make an effort. And when you do give (as in contribute to the relationship), don’t ask for returns – in the “rule of equity”, a relationship like that will die off eventually. But when you start asking for returns, you will be suffering.

Trust me. I’ve been there.