The Idol Syndrome

I am having a difficulty convincing students that things that they are doing now would actually benefit them in a way they don't see. I mean, it is not something that's tangible - how do you see "confidence", "experience", "values"...?

Not that I want to be remembered or ask for any returns, but when Mrs Nah and I were talking about how students forget about their lecturers immediately after they graduate, or that they update their SIP supervisors about their latest "adventure" but not their lecturers, we felt that our students don't really value their experience here in school. Mrs Nah said that in view of their future, it would be of course more logical for them to maintain good relationship with their supervisors. But we both felt a sense of lose.

It all boils down to motivation.

I have students who constantly ask for SEAL points whenever I ask them to do certain "CCAs". Granted. They deserve it. But I guess some where in our educational system we miss the key part - that motivation should come from within and not outside. Along the way, we forget that we need to tell the students that whatever they do, they must find the "reasons within", ie the intrinsic motivations, and not some external motivations that bring about materialistics gain - such as fame, career, money.

We somehow forget to educate our young people that with instrinsic motivations, whatever you achieve would eventually lead you to those tangible and intangible gain - not just tangible and temporary gain that you get through working on something because of extrinsic motivation.

With intrinsic motivation, you can find passion - and passion is the most important ingredient to "burn" your life (in a positive sense).

After all, goodness comes from within.

Paths

I am always in a dilemma. I have always wanted to be someone special, someone unique, someone who does things that people will remember. But in reality, I conform to the society's expectations.

I remember visiting a prison together with Professor Fisher. She was there to conduct regular psychotherapy sessions for the convicted rapists and pedophiles. I was her research assistant. One of the things I had to do for her was to sit in her therapy sessions. That was the first time I went to a prison. We had to pass by a cemetery. It was winter, and snowing.

Then when I became a counsellor after I graduated, I had to visit this boy I counselled. He was detained in the Queenstown Remand Prison for stealing. To teach him a lesson, his rich parents did not bail him out. I met him in a tiny room, about the size of three toilet cubicles. He was handcuffed.

Of course I had to meet up with some CID fella because another girl I counselled got involved in gang.

In all these occasions, one question I had was that: what makes them do what they did? Then I realised that many of them hang out with people who did the same thing. It's difficult to say no when you are being pressurised (in a subtle way). They were swayed by people from their "same" group, their "opinion leaders" (albeit the "wrong" ones in our sense), they want to gain acceptance and didn't want to feel rejected, especially when they had been rejected by the society or their families.

Then I think about myself. And I realised I conform in the same way too - except that I conform to the positive aspects, in the society's eyes.

The Marriage of Figaro

Keeping a marriage is a very challenging thing. Sociologists point to the developed society we are in for marital breakdown - dual income families, lack of support from the extended families, high literacy rate, ease of getting a divorce... No doubt about that - but personally, I think those are circumstantial factors. And the end of the day, it boils down to two individuals - or to be specific, it boils down to just one person, the I.

How we see ourselves and how we see other people don't change in tandem with the advancement of the society - human nature doesn't change that rapidly. It is the "I" who decides on how "I" judge others, especially "my" spouse. Did he bring flowers home tonight because he loves me? Or did he bring flowers home tonight because he has done something wrong? It's how "I" interpret the incidents. And we can't blame the "I" because it is human nature.

I thought about this because someone I know has expressed little trust to her husband of many years. She got into a scenario of illusory correlation, and hence looked out for clues that would confirm her bias. Which of course made life difficult for the husband and wife.

Sometimes we just lack a little bit of confidence, a little bit of paitence, and a little bit of trust.

And that's the most important elements in marriage. At the end of the day, marriage is not about love. It is about leading a life together.

It's All My Fault

Recent incidents that happened around me led me thinking about a lot of things - love, marriage, bureacracy, and eventually led to one thing, me and others.

Think about it. Whatever happens, it's always because of "me" and the "others". Love blossoms between two people, which (hopefully) leads to the marriage of two people. Eventually, the quality of your marriage, or whether it can last or not, depends, again, on "me" and "another" person.

How do we see ourselves? How do we see others? We often judge other people using a very quick rule-of-thumb strategy. We are not forgiving at all when it comes to other people. Other people must not make any mistake - we can. This is all too different from what my mom taught me: we should be strict to ourselves, but generous toward the others. The truth is, we tend to see others' flaws but not our own.

It's difficult to admit that "it's my fault". Or "I am responsible". We all try to push the blame to others, and appear to be the kindest person on earth. We attribute it to the others when negative things happen (I am sorry I don't make the decision here when it comes to rewarding you), but attribute it to oneself when positive things happen (I fight very hard for you that's why you get what you deserved).

Don't get me wrong. I hardly quarrel with Mr Goh. What I am saying is that, I try very hard to always tell myself that I have to see things from other's perspective, and be empathetic. And I end up feeling sorry for everyone.

My Funeral

I am secretly planning for my own funeral.

Since I was a teenager, I have written poems (in Chinese, I must clarify) that began with this question "if I didn't wake up tomorrow". I always wonder. Who would be at my funeral? Who would miss me? What would I want people to say about me?...

That began my search for the question "who I am" and "who I will be" - ie the search for a self schema/possible self. It has been so powerful that I begin to lead a very goal oriented life. Not that my life is so rigid. I still stop and smell the roses. I still, along the way, change my plan accordingly because you can never predict what will happen in your life. So if life doesn't go as plan, then you change your plan. (I start with Plan A and Plan B).

It won't happen if you don't have a high private self-consciousness. I do. And I think it is important because it gives meaning to life. I rarely ask the question "why am I doing this" or "what's the meaning of life" because I know whatever I do, is the results of my self-reflections. And I find the sense of achievements from there. At least, at the end of everyday, I can tell myself yes, I have achieved something and that I have not wasted any time.

Life is a jigsaw puzzle. You will never know the full picture until you find the last piece. I sometimes think that perhaps that's the moment of enlightenment. You finally realise "Oh so that's what my life was all about". But I think that would be too late. That's why I often engage in self- searching, not so that I can achieve enlightenment earlier, but so that I can make a beautiful life for me and for people around me, especially my loved ones.

It is a waste of time to be angry about my disability. One has to get on with life and I haven't done badly. People won't have time for you if you are always angry or complaining. -- Stephen Hawking