The Road to Recovery / Discovery

This is a bizarre period of time. Recuperation. Wet weather. Festive season. Year end. The combination brings one to a deeper level of thoughts.

It is during this period of time that I discovery a lot more about myself, about living harmoniously with The Mom, and about what lies ahead.

My greatest fear.
My greatest disappointment.
My greatest hope.

I don't make new year resolutions. A respected elder once told me: "we have to create history everyday." Not earth-shattering history, but little milestons in our daily lives that would make us a better person.

I encourage myself everyday. I tell myself I need to have faith everyday. I tell myself life has to go on no matter what everyday. And that doesn't change even it's a brand new year coming ahead.

Self-reflection is a powerful thing. It brings out the best and the worst in you. It lets you look at yourself not just at the mirror but through the mirron until the bottom of your heart.

I too have doubts. I have a lot of questions about life that are unanswered. As a new year approaches, I just need to climb a mountain everyday - a mountain called Self, until I reach the green pasture on the other side.

Happy new year.

Must be sincere, lah

I woke up from GA, feeling nauseaus and the pain. The nurse, in her cheerful voice, asked me: "Pain? With a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 the most painful, how would you rate your pain?" Still feeling giddy, I thought "huh? You want me to rate my pain, like now?" Anyway, I whispered a "7". (In retrospec, I think that was retribution: I grilled my students too hard on the Likert-Summated rating scale). So she consulted the doctor, gave me a jab, all the while very cheerful and empathetic.

My doctor too was very empathetic. Sometimes I wonder for a man, it's amazing that he spoke of these women problems as if he had experienced it before. And of course, he was also cheerful and always encouraging, with abundance sincerity.

My family doctor was another one. He is probably the only one who could listen to The Mom's ranting patiently. After all those, still smiling and said: "Don't worry aunty, you take this medicine first then we see again in two weeks' time, ok?"

I tend to think that it's all in the attitude. How you view your job, how you view yourself, these attitudes all show in your behaviour. I like to believe in the psychologists that attitude influences behaviour and vice versa. But personally, I think a good attitude is the most important thing one must possess. I think one may not like what one does all the time, but the fact that one has been given the job, no matter how one hates it, one has to have the right attitude so that something good can be achieved at the end of the day.

It is especially important in jobs that deal with people.

But must be sincere, lah.

So eventhough I felt the pain, I thought, hmm, ok lah. At least one nurse told Mr Goh: "You should try it yourself. Painful, you know."

Father

I was at my gynae’s office yesterday. While waiting, a Caucasian husband came out from the doctor’s office together with his son, about 2 years old, while his wife was being attended to. Then he sat down, and started talking to his son, who was learning to talk. After a while, he started reading a story to him, quietly, in his low but caring voice. His son stopped making noise.

I thought that was very sweet of him.

Meanwhile, the Centre for Fathering in Singapore launched a “Back to school with Dad” campaign recently, encouraging fathers to take their children to school, and hopefully at the same time could spend some quality time with the children – to be specific, take their kids to the schools when the schools reopen in 2007.

From a woman’s perspective, I am glad that men are getting more involved in the development of their children. I also know that while there are a lot of men out there willing to do more at home, the main responsibilities still go back to the women.

We are just such a patriarchy society. It is a “value” we subscribe as a society, and I don’t think we will ever change that around. Not that I am promoting feminism. I belong to the “older generation” – I believe that there are certain things women are just better in doing them. So we should tap into each gender’s strengths – do what you are good at.

Nevertheless, father is indeed an important figure in a child’s growing year.

Growing up in a single-parent family, I can tell you that I miss my Dad a lot. Not that Mom didn’t do a good job – it was difficult at that time for a widow to raise three children and trying to provide for them the best she could give.

Some how, I still wished that my Dad had been around to tell me some stories. Or that he had been around to fetch me to school, teach me how to defend myself…

I wish all the Dads know what a difference it makes in their children’s lives.

We Want Urban Life!

My hairstylist recently resigned and opened his own salon with several friends. He is a Malaysian, came to Singapore many years ago, and finally saved enough of both money and courage to strike out on his own.

I went to his salon at Lucky Plaza yesterday. It was a Sunday, and as you would probably guess, foreign workers filled the area.

My brother’s maid, recently hired, came from a village in Philippine. She cried one day during dinner, because she gets to eat meat / fish / prawn everyday here – something her family gets to eat only during festive seasons – and she wished her kids could be here with her to enjoy the meals.

I was not even thinking about going back to my hometown to look for a job after I graduated from university. My first destination was Singapore.

We are all urban dwellers. We came here to look for jobs and opportunities. Had we stayed in our hometown, we probably can still tell ourselves: “we have a comfortable life, not so stress, not so busy, no need for so much money.” But we are very materialistic. We want a more advanced environment. We want to make use of technology to make our life more convenient…

The things in the city are just too seductive. Shopping malls. Latest fashion. Fastest computers. Variety of food – and fine food for that matter. Entertainment. Music performances. Exhibitions…

There are just too many things to pull us here. And when we look back to our hometown, we thought – what a memory.

We are all very shallow people. And I am no difference from the many foreign workers here.

Going to Mars

We attended the CNN future summit recording the other day. The topic was “the future of transportation”. Among the panelists were an ex-astronaut and a woman who paid 20 million USD for a space explorer – she went onto the International Space Station for 11 days (I think). And when asked if she would be willing to do it again, she said, “in a heartbeat.”

Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying what’s right or what’s wrong. I mean, everyone is entitled to his/her own aspirations and everything else.

What set me thinking was, really, why are we trying to venture into the outer space, spending billions and billions of dollars, trying to “conquer” the universe, while we can’t even look after our own people, ie the human race?

Science is good. Research is good. The objective of science, I think, should be how to make life better for people. It may sounds very philosophical, but had Albert Einstein known that the atomic bomb was to be used to harm lives, he wouldn’t have participated in the initiative of making the bomb.

We can’t stop social stratification from happening. In a race, there will be some people moving forward and some lagging behind. If, as according to functionalists, there is a function for social stratification, then I think its function should be for the higher class / rich / power elite, to help those at the bottom of the strata, so that they have the mean to at least compete in this world.

After all, it’s really about the human race.

I Am Getting Old...

I have to confess this post is quite irrelevant to sociology / social psychology. OK, maybe a little (I try). There’s this chapter we never covered.

I reconnected with a long lost friend recently, thanks to the Internet. Well, maybe I should say ex-colleague. We haven’t seen each other for the past 13 years. If I remember correctly, the last time we were in touch with each other was over the phone. Then he left to go back to Australia and we lost touch since.

Then there are these two friends: one was a friend from secondary school, Kaye; Steph went to the same primary and secondary schools as I did, but we didn’t really hang out with each other during school days.

We reconnected 5 years after we left secondary school, in Singapore. We have all ended up working in Singapore. Steph happened to be working in the same company as me, but in different branch. We met each other on a company family day. Then she hooked me up with Kaye again. And we have been meeting occasionally ever since.

I felt that I am getting old (especially when I am going to celebrate my nth birthday soon). You know it when all you do is reminiscing the past.

But of course that’s not the point. The point is: it is not easy to maintain a relationship. Psychologists have identified the various factors that influence the ups and downs of our close relationships: two relevant ones are “equity” and “self-disclosure”. Steph, Kaye, and I, we all contributed to maintaining our friendship; we take turns to initiate our get-togethers, we make an attempt to celebrate our birthdays, we provide support for each other because we share similar background, certain memories, and values. And the outcomes we receive are proportional to what we contribute to it – equity is reached.

As a relationship (not just romantic ones) grows, we reveal more and more of ourselves to one another. In other words, we know each other better. We have shared with each other our sorrows and our happiness – our journey in life – ups and downs in our romantic relationships, marriage, religions, death of family member, our MOTHERS… All these strengthen our friendship.

I guess it is not so much of the time you spend with each other. It is the emotional support you give each other that really matters. I feel that to maintain a relationship, each must make an effort. And when you do give (as in contribute to the relationship), don’t ask for returns – in the “rule of equity”, a relationship like that will die off eventually. But when you start asking for returns, you will be suffering.

Trust me. I’ve been there.

We Are Back

We met up with two graduates yesterday. Mrs Nah and I shared with each other later, that it's occassion like this that really made us proud and feel the sense of satisfaction: seeing that our students finally grow up, mature, starting their own career, become sensible...

Just like our students, we have all been deviant in our lives.

I was the depressed teenager, decided to major in psychology (which freaked The Mom out because it was such a "huh-what-is-that" subject) even though I had no idea what to do with the degree after that... Mrs Nah wanted to do radio since primary school... we were not quite "approved" by our parents based on their yardsticks. But the most important thing is, we survived. We never went the criminal way because we were very sure of what we wanted to do. And today, our parents (still think that we are deviant because of we don't quite listen to them) sort of let us off -- our dreams before, considered devianced, turned out to be more than just alright.

I guess in our lives, we need to do something out of the ordinary sometimes. (And no that does not include smoking and smoking "sisha" and drugs and cheating and others "morally challenged" things).

Back to the graudates, they too did some deviance acts before (skipping schools etc) but at the end of the day, we learn, we grow. We might be conformists, but we know where we are heading to. And that's the most important thing - know your destination. And be appreciative.

The Spring of Life

I went for a picnic with my family over the weekend. (Yes I do have a boring life).

As I grow older, I begin to understand more the importance of family members, our primary group. I am beginning to appreciate more and more that, while career and work is important, family is irreplaceable. Especially if you work in a bureaucracy. In a bureaucracy, it is the position that's important, not so much of a person. Your boss would tell you "this organisation will move like a bus and if the route of the bus is not where you are going, you get off" or something to that effect. The structure and system of a bureaucracy is there so that in case one man is down the business can go on - in other words, it is not so much of a person. I have a mixed feeling about this because I like to think that at the end of the day, it is the people that count, not the system. It's the people that would make a difference, not the system. On the other hand, I have to agree that system must be in place.

But family is different. Without a family member (especially if yours is a closed-knitted family), it makes a whole lot of difference! I remember how my late material grandfather became totally depressed after his wife passed away - he died 3 months later. And I suspected it was more because of a broken heart than other illnesses.

Family will always be there for me. No matter what happens. We share the ups and downs that happens in each other's life. At the end of the day, job and other things come and go, but family never goes away.

Which is why every time I leave home for a tour, I always, ALWAYS fear that it would be the last time I see my family. I would want to write a final note for my loved ones, leave a will, or something. This fear has grown through time. Previously, I loved flying and would never think twice. But as I get older, I am beginning to feel more because I know the time I get to spend with The Mom in particular, is decreasing as the day passes. Not that she's seriously ill, but you see, we are destined to live a certain number of years. I will never know when that day will come. And I fear that it would be sooner than I thought. When that happens, I fear that I may not be able to handle it emotionally.

Because she will forever be the spring of my life.

Sleepless in New York

So we arrived in New York at about 10.30pm because of the flight delayed.

New York was a city that never sleeps. After we checked in to the hotel, we went out searching for food. And to our surprise, the entire Time Square was still pretty much alive! Planet Hollywood was still very much opened, so was Hard Rock café, and the Swatch boutique, and many more… We stayed at the theater district so Broadway was just one street away. This was when I suddenly realized, hey, this whole scene looked familiar! I’ve watched it on TV, on the movies, just too many times.

But that was not what set me thinking. Amidst the high-rise buildings and modernity, you see just as many old buildings around – for example, the famous St Patrick Cathedral, built in 1868. Or Macy’s (since 1902). Or many other old buildings that are still being used, upgraded, and remained as popular destinations for various activities. All these, and of course a lot of other things, have become a very unique New York culture, and have become the icons of New York City.

And I looked back at Singapore’s very own “preservation”. We have been trying very hard to preserve certain buildings. For example, the old post office (now The Fullerton), the old SJI (now Singapore Arts Museum), the old CHIJ (now CHIJMES), the old high court (going to be an arts museum), and of course the good old Chinatown. So what’s the problem?

I guess the problem is when we try to preserve these buildings we somehow only manage to preserve the “hardware”. Take Chinatown for example. How many of us actually would visit Chinatown? Or has it pretty much become a “tourist area”?

We need to retain its originality. Macy’s was built as Macy’s and remained as Macy’s. The buildings, the activities, are part and parcel of a culture. It is the life behind the buildings that make them unique, that make them part of a culture – not how it looks, not how we can turn it around and make it commercially viable.

I don’t know how it is possible for this to be done in Singapore. What I am saying is that, with a 41 years history, we seem to be leaving behind our “spirit” too fast. Culture is not something that you can teach – you have to immerse in it, you have to instill in people. It is not just a facet that looks good on the outside. What makes a culture attractive is its long history – and that includes how the people live their daily lives, and how these architectural designs reflect that.

Culture is something we need to live in. It is life.

Crossing the River

The river is called generation gap. Or to be exact, cultural gap.

I know, because I taught Cross Cultural Communication. I believe that each one of us is a "subculture" of our own. We are subset of this bigger culture called our family, then our ethnicity, and race, and nationality, and regional, and then we are part of mankind. (Buddhism recognises that each of us is just like a "small cosmos", which is part of this grand cosmos that we live in).

I value my personal culture a lot because it takes up to build up. Of course, The Mother also treasures her personal culture and the family culture that she established to the extend of trying to defend it.

That's what I meant by cultural gap.

OK I complain about my mother a lot. But she's not that bad, really. It just take a little bit more understanding, and accommodating, especially when you try to see it from her perspectives and where she is coming from.

It is not easy trying to accommodate The Mother. That would mean giving up part of the personal culture. In the literature, sociologists have recognised several ways of intercultural marriages patterns - no it's not a marriage, but in any kind of relationship, it all involves two people communicating to each other.

Let me give you an example -
The Mom: Oh you have pancake mix. It's going to expire. Let's make pancake for breakfast.
The Mom:... so where is your ladle? Do you have measuring cup? Where is your spatula?
Me: Here. Don't need measurement cup. I just "agak-agak". Let me do it.
The Mom:...how come it takes so long? You should cover the pan. It will cook faster.
Me: No. You need to be patience... so that it's cooked inside slowly... you cannot cover because you need to see the bubbles burst, which is an indication of whether it is cooked or not...

Next Day...
The Mom: (started cooking the pancake while I shower) Come, I've prepared pancake for breakfast. And I covered the pan. It cooked faster. You should do the same.
Me: But the colour is not nice. Mine looks nicer.
The Mom: Aiya... no need to be nice.
Me: It's a bit powdery.
The Mom: Huh? Not nice ah? (turned slightly defensive)
Me: Not really lah (trying to be nice). Taste a bit weird.
The Mom: It's not the cover lah. I put in more oil because I think it's very dry.
The Mom: So next time you should cover. (Sounds like a final word - that's how I should cook my pancake henceforth.)

You see. She set the culture - how things should be done (that's part of a cultural system too), and she expects her children to follow it.

What do you do to cross this river?

I don't drown. I just suffocate myself. Ha.

The Sound of Heart

Being an educator takes a whole lot of conscience. My mother, who was an ex-school principal, always says that education is a career of conscience. I couldn't agree more.

It is not just a job, but a career. I always believe that as an educator, when it comes to decision making (what to teach, how to teach, what materials to show, how to assess, even the administration procedures....), the first question an educator should ask is "how would this benefit the students?".

I ponder about the question "what makes a good teacher" all the time. I guess no one can give us the right answers, because every student would have different needs. Nevertheless, I feel that at the end of the day, a good teacher, or an educator should show real altruism.

Cynical psychologists would not agree that one can be totally altruistic - they believe that no matter what, one gets rewards, be it tangible rewards or intangible ones such as you would feel better, it satisfies your ego, reduces guilt....

I have seen teachers who treat their jobs as just, well, a job. They bring home the bread. They do things to impress the management. They have their own career aspirations. They want to climb the corporate ladder. Students would probably be a side dish.

Nevertheless, I like to be more optimistic. I think there are still teachers around who can face their own conscience, and say it in the most altruistic way that "yes I have done my best for the students." It may not be the right thing, but we have tried our best.

So, what makes a good teacher to you?

The War Between Two Women

I spoke to my mother last night. Well, I speak to her almost every night. And normally, here's how our conversation goes:
Mom: "You had your dinner?"
Me: "Yes. Just done."
Mom: "Did you cook tonight?"
Me: "Yes."
Mom: "So what did you cook?"
Me: "Oh this and this and this."
Mom: "Oh. You know, your sister-in-law...."

So there we would, or rather she would start again, complaining to me about my sister-in-law. Incidentally, she lives with my brother and his wife, and helps look after their two daughters.

As you can imagin, conflicts arise very often. So I thought I would, since I hear about it almost every day, really sit down and analyse the conflicts.

I attribute it to competition. Psychologists often wonder if competition provokes hostile conflict. And of course their studies confirm this. I can confirm this too. Both women, ie my mother and my sister-in-law are constantly "competing" with one another - they probably don't realise it, but to me, it's very clear - they compete for power - who has more power in the household? Who does the maid "report" to? Who do the kids love more? Who makes the decision as to what the kids should or shouldn't eat?... these are the issues that arise all the time.

I also attribute it to perceived injustice. Seeing from my mother's perspective, she feels that her helping of looking after my brother's kids are not appreciated by my sister-in-law. From my sister-in-law's perspective, my mom is not giving her enough "respect" as the "head of the household". Both feel that they are more competent than their other, so both feel underbenefited and thus eager to retaliate.

Misperception of course would cause the conflicts between mother- and daughter-in-law.

At the end of the day, there is really nothing I can do to make peace for these two women. Because it takes cooperation, communication, and conciliation - something that they are not really ready to do. You need these two women to find a superordinate goal - seeing that the main objective is to benefit the kids, no matter what methods it takes; willing to learn from each other (old people are really wiser when it comes to certain areas like raising a kid); have positive attitudes (which they are not willing to give up any part of their own turf yet so can't create positive attitudes); and really, I think the most important thing is that you must be willing to sacrify a bit of "power" and "turf" in order to make peace.

But until they can do that, I will still be at the receiving end of all the tiresome complaints.

Argh.

While We Were Sleeping

So the government is alarmed that we are not making enough babies to renew ourselves as our population is aging.

That is the results of social change.

Key contributors to social change, as we all know, are economic, political, and cultural. What do these have to do with people not having more babies / can't have more babies?

I guess our focus has changed. Because of the fast growing economy, our primary concern now is how to live a better life. And of course we can all blame globalisation - with globalisation, we see what are the so-called "better lives" can be - bigger houses, bigger cars, better education, latest fashion.... So how do we achieve that "Singaporean dream" of having the 5 or more Cs? We work harder. Who told us that we need to work harder? The government - because we need to stay competitive. And the cycle goes on.

So - there comes the problem - we don't have enough time to spread among 5 or 6 children - so we settle for 2. We don't have time to start a family when we were young because we need to work harder, venture outside of Singapore, and by which time we come back to Singapore to settle down, we are in our 30s - too late to have more kids - or worse, too late to have any kids.

And when we have fewer kids, we tend to provide them with better stuff - just ask one of my students whose mother bought him a $1000+ LV bag... so there - again, our focus has shifted - what do we value now? Not so much of the quality time you can spend with the kids, but the quality stuff you can buy for your kids.

It's a vicious cycle. And they are all connected.

Social change does not happen in a day. It does not happen right before our eyes. It happens while we were sleeping.

The 7th Month

I attended my first 7th month dinner over the weeked at my in-laws.

So there I was, enjoying the dinner at the void deck area (which means vey warm), and experiencing this highly symbolic event for the first time. The auction (as normal 7th month dinner would have) started as the dinner started. And the entire process didn't end until about 11pm.

I saw this entire event from the symbolic interactionism perspective.

Every auctioned object can be a symbol of something: charcoal is "black gold"; "huat" cake is "prosperity"; rice is also "prosperity"; wine/liquor is "longevity"; lanterns (3 sets altogether) are "prosperity" and "have more children"; and flower of course, you guessed it, "prosperity".

You can thus see the culture of this society: we are a highly materialistic society - we care about making more money and more baby. But can you blame us? Not really. Because that's the essential to our survivol. According to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, money give us security, food, a place to live, etc. And according to the evolutionary theory, having children is the way to carry on our human species. So these are two very important things in our society.

It was also an occassion for interaction between the neighbours. It was actually quite heartening to know that in this days and age, there still live a highly close-knited community. Perhaps it was an old estate, perhaps it was the fact that in the middle (or fringe) of the town, those are the only four blocks of flats still standing tall (so close proximity), but here, you witnessed the long forgotten "kampung spirit" - the everyone knows everyone situation. Mr Goh was telling me "that was so-and-so's brother and they have this shop downstairs" and "that was whoever's mother"... See them interacting with one another, I remember when we used to be a smaller world.

Not forgetting the "group influence". The dinner area was small, tables were also smaller than your usual wedding dinner tables. So it was a "full-house". As you can imagain, a full house is a good house. People where fed with enough of alcohol to keep their inhibition low. The crowding effect thus can be observed through the shouting for the auction. Competition of couse also brought up the "price" - from $50 to $80 to $188 to $189 and on and on...

It was a lesson of sociology and social psychology in one night.

Oh, the liquor fetched the highest price - so you know what was popular.

The Idol Syndrom 2

So why is it the Idol Syndrome?

People don't admit that there are rooms for improvement. I think we have come to a point where we confuse arrogant with self-confidence. We confuse self-centeredness with high self-esteem. While it is great that we maintain self-confidence and have high self-esteem, I always believe that we need to be humble, and we need to really do some self reflections to know ourselves better - know our strengths, know our weaknesses. Only then we could move ahead, and gain more self confidence.

The problem is we are in this world that is too fast-paced - too fast that we have no time to sit down and think about things. No time for self reflections.

At the end of the day, all we see is just - we are THE idol.

And I worry if you think that that is "individualism".

The Idol Syndrome

I am having a difficulty convincing students that things that they are doing now would actually benefit them in a way they don't see. I mean, it is not something that's tangible - how do you see "confidence", "experience", "values"...?

Not that I want to be remembered or ask for any returns, but when Mrs Nah and I were talking about how students forget about their lecturers immediately after they graduate, or that they update their SIP supervisors about their latest "adventure" but not their lecturers, we felt that our students don't really value their experience here in school. Mrs Nah said that in view of their future, it would be of course more logical for them to maintain good relationship with their supervisors. But we both felt a sense of lose.

It all boils down to motivation.

I have students who constantly ask for SEAL points whenever I ask them to do certain "CCAs". Granted. They deserve it. But I guess some where in our educational system we miss the key part - that motivation should come from within and not outside. Along the way, we forget that we need to tell the students that whatever they do, they must find the "reasons within", ie the intrinsic motivations, and not some external motivations that bring about materialistics gain - such as fame, career, money.

We somehow forget to educate our young people that with instrinsic motivations, whatever you achieve would eventually lead you to those tangible and intangible gain - not just tangible and temporary gain that you get through working on something because of extrinsic motivation.

With intrinsic motivation, you can find passion - and passion is the most important ingredient to "burn" your life (in a positive sense).

After all, goodness comes from within.

Paths

I am always in a dilemma. I have always wanted to be someone special, someone unique, someone who does things that people will remember. But in reality, I conform to the society's expectations.

I remember visiting a prison together with Professor Fisher. She was there to conduct regular psychotherapy sessions for the convicted rapists and pedophiles. I was her research assistant. One of the things I had to do for her was to sit in her therapy sessions. That was the first time I went to a prison. We had to pass by a cemetery. It was winter, and snowing.

Then when I became a counsellor after I graduated, I had to visit this boy I counselled. He was detained in the Queenstown Remand Prison for stealing. To teach him a lesson, his rich parents did not bail him out. I met him in a tiny room, about the size of three toilet cubicles. He was handcuffed.

Of course I had to meet up with some CID fella because another girl I counselled got involved in gang.

In all these occasions, one question I had was that: what makes them do what they did? Then I realised that many of them hang out with people who did the same thing. It's difficult to say no when you are being pressurised (in a subtle way). They were swayed by people from their "same" group, their "opinion leaders" (albeit the "wrong" ones in our sense), they want to gain acceptance and didn't want to feel rejected, especially when they had been rejected by the society or their families.

Then I think about myself. And I realised I conform in the same way too - except that I conform to the positive aspects, in the society's eyes.

The Marriage of Figaro

Keeping a marriage is a very challenging thing. Sociologists point to the developed society we are in for marital breakdown - dual income families, lack of support from the extended families, high literacy rate, ease of getting a divorce... No doubt about that - but personally, I think those are circumstantial factors. And the end of the day, it boils down to two individuals - or to be specific, it boils down to just one person, the I.

How we see ourselves and how we see other people don't change in tandem with the advancement of the society - human nature doesn't change that rapidly. It is the "I" who decides on how "I" judge others, especially "my" spouse. Did he bring flowers home tonight because he loves me? Or did he bring flowers home tonight because he has done something wrong? It's how "I" interpret the incidents. And we can't blame the "I" because it is human nature.

I thought about this because someone I know has expressed little trust to her husband of many years. She got into a scenario of illusory correlation, and hence looked out for clues that would confirm her bias. Which of course made life difficult for the husband and wife.

Sometimes we just lack a little bit of confidence, a little bit of paitence, and a little bit of trust.

And that's the most important elements in marriage. At the end of the day, marriage is not about love. It is about leading a life together.

It's All My Fault

Recent incidents that happened around me led me thinking about a lot of things - love, marriage, bureacracy, and eventually led to one thing, me and others.

Think about it. Whatever happens, it's always because of "me" and the "others". Love blossoms between two people, which (hopefully) leads to the marriage of two people. Eventually, the quality of your marriage, or whether it can last or not, depends, again, on "me" and "another" person.

How do we see ourselves? How do we see others? We often judge other people using a very quick rule-of-thumb strategy. We are not forgiving at all when it comes to other people. Other people must not make any mistake - we can. This is all too different from what my mom taught me: we should be strict to ourselves, but generous toward the others. The truth is, we tend to see others' flaws but not our own.

It's difficult to admit that "it's my fault". Or "I am responsible". We all try to push the blame to others, and appear to be the kindest person on earth. We attribute it to the others when negative things happen (I am sorry I don't make the decision here when it comes to rewarding you), but attribute it to oneself when positive things happen (I fight very hard for you that's why you get what you deserved).

Don't get me wrong. I hardly quarrel with Mr Goh. What I am saying is that, I try very hard to always tell myself that I have to see things from other's perspective, and be empathetic. And I end up feeling sorry for everyone.

My Funeral

I am secretly planning for my own funeral.

Since I was a teenager, I have written poems (in Chinese, I must clarify) that began with this question "if I didn't wake up tomorrow". I always wonder. Who would be at my funeral? Who would miss me? What would I want people to say about me?...

That began my search for the question "who I am" and "who I will be" - ie the search for a self schema/possible self. It has been so powerful that I begin to lead a very goal oriented life. Not that my life is so rigid. I still stop and smell the roses. I still, along the way, change my plan accordingly because you can never predict what will happen in your life. So if life doesn't go as plan, then you change your plan. (I start with Plan A and Plan B).

It won't happen if you don't have a high private self-consciousness. I do. And I think it is important because it gives meaning to life. I rarely ask the question "why am I doing this" or "what's the meaning of life" because I know whatever I do, is the results of my self-reflections. And I find the sense of achievements from there. At least, at the end of everyday, I can tell myself yes, I have achieved something and that I have not wasted any time.

Life is a jigsaw puzzle. You will never know the full picture until you find the last piece. I sometimes think that perhaps that's the moment of enlightenment. You finally realise "Oh so that's what my life was all about". But I think that would be too late. That's why I often engage in self- searching, not so that I can achieve enlightenment earlier, but so that I can make a beautiful life for me and for people around me, especially my loved ones.

It is a waste of time to be angry about my disability. One has to get on with life and I haven't done badly. People won't have time for you if you are always angry or complaining. -- Stephen Hawking

Never-smiling Land

As I was telling you about this book that I am reading, "The World is Flat" by Thomas Friedman, I have been thinking about the impact of globalisation on our daily lives. Other than the model of urban growth (where you could view the development of the world as a city), the impact of globalisation on our culture is something that cannot be treated lightly.

George Ritzer argued that our societies are being transformed by a process he labeled "McDonaldization" - the principles of the fast-food restaurant have influenced other social aspects, such as our family, politics, education, travel, and leisure (ie, our culture because a cultural system consists of all those, and more). In his article of "The McDonaldization of Society", Ritzer argued that our society has become more efficient because we need to achieve the maximum in minimum cost (hence, fastfood), we are more predictable (franchised of McDonald's - they even standardize the number of sesame placed on the burger), we focus more on quantiy rather than quality (Friedman described how a franchisee of McDonald's in USA outsourced the drive-thru order to cut down on customers' waiting time), and of course, the standardization of human being (think the robotic ways of greeting and serving over the counter).

The McDonaldization is becoming more prominent as our world becomes "flatter".

I can't help but link all these to our current"400 million smile campaign" . Think about Ritzer's arguments. Think about our society. I think along the way towards advancement and globalisation, we some how forget the more important aspect of our society - the humane part of it. We need more than just hardware or infrastructure or campaigns etc to create a gracious society because it has to come from the heart.

While we are "upgrading" our buses to make it more convenient to the wheel-chair bound, perhaps we also need to see how we can make our society a more forgiving and tolerant toward the less fortunate.

While we are spending millions of dollars to encourage people to smile, perhaps we also need to reflect on why we don't smile in the first place.

What are the factors toward social change again? Economical and political. Which has a great influence on our culture.

Is this the culture we want? Is this the society we want? While we eat at McDonald's, perhaps we should also talk to the aunties and uncles who work there and, you know, just talk, with no ultimate objectives.

The Dad

What does Father's Day mean to you? It doesn't, to me.

You see, The Dad has passed away 30 years ago (exactly). I remember specific instances relating to Dad, including his funeral. Growing up in a single-parent family, I feel very strongly about the support a family can give to children, in particular, the education that a family can give.

Family, therefore, to me, is an anchor social institution.

The family serves all the functions that sociologists would tell us. But I think more importantly, family provides the emotinal support (as primary group) that no one can provide - which is why families that are unable to provide such support break down and become dysfunctional.

I am deeply affected by the environment I grew up in - in particular, the family I grew up in. My principles of life, my values, my outlook, my attitudes, my beliefs, the way I manage relationship... I just wish all the moms and dads know, when they are raising their children, how important they are and how influential they are, and how what they do (or didn't do) would somehow, in a subtle and indirect way, affect the entire society - at least the next generation of the society.

It is interesting to note that in such a patriachy society such as ours, we pay more attention to Mother's Day than to Father's Day. Which links to the my previous post about how women are playing more and more important role in the society.

I know it's a bit late to talk about Father's Day. But I always wonder how it would be like to grow up in a family with Dad around.

Being Woman

I met up with my secondary school friends (yes I know, it's very long time ago and yes I DO have secondary school friends) for dinner and we were, of course, as usual, lament about our jobs, families, and mothers.

Which brings me to the issue of gender inequality in our society.

It's funny that for my friend, although in our traditional society sons are supposed to take care of their aged parents, ends up with the responsibility of looking after Mom. Not that we mind, it's just that while we cheered the feminist movements and fight for gender equality, we as women, end up doing a lot more - besides fulfilling the traditionally "women's" work, we now have to play part of the men's role as well, thanks to "gender equality".

The first wave of feminism fought for women's rights to vote - okay, so we got that. The second wave saw women fought for equality in the workplace because now, women saw working as a career rather than a temp job - okay, we got that too.

And then we are stuck there.

Look at me. My mother, as a traditional Chinese woman with a degree in Classical Chinese Literature, insisted that it's a woman's job to look after her husband, household, and family. Since young, she insisted that I learned how to cook, iron, sew, clean... And I appreciate it because now I can manage home and work - but you see, that's the problem. At the same time, we as women must excel in school and at work. Compared to our male counterparts, of course there are a lot more on my plate. More responsibilities.

Does our society appreciate that women have taken on more responsibilities? Not really. The reality is that, at work, women still see the glass ceiling. Women still see the "mommy track" - if your focus is on family, then perhaps a job that requires you to travel may not be suitable.

I had potential employer who asked me if I intended to have kids in the near future, because if I do, then it would affect my work. I was appalled.

My point is, gender inequality always exist. Biological, socially, we are unequal. And I think we are the better sex... for "Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition." -- Timothy Leary (1920 - 1996)

The Land of Smiles

Thailand is the only country in Southeast Asia that has never been colonised.

I used to show students in the Cross Cultural Communication class the movie "Anna and the King". (I don't any more because it's quite an old film and long and students get bored...) Other than the cultural miscommunication and adaptation, from the movie you can see very clearly how Thailand was (still is) a monarchy.

It's even more obvious in the land of Thailand itself.

So it was the King's 60 years on the throne. It was amazing to see that almost everyone was wearing yellow - in particular yellow t-shirt that has the words "I Love the King" (in Thai) printed on. Yellow wristband that said "I Love The King".

The sea of yellow. You can sense the respect and love its people have on the King. And it was very touching and powerful. The young and the old. It's not just about the feeling of the older generation, it's everyone.

Anyway, in a monarchy, a king or queen whose right to rule was passed on to the children. For the past 60 years, the King had, on rare occassions, intervened in political turmoil, and had helped bring Thailand to a democratic society.

So you wonder. What kind of government do we really want? When we say "democracy", what do we really mean? Look at USA. Look at India. Look at Thailand (democracy state with a monarch - which is common practise in today's world). And then look at Singapore. Is it just about freedom of speech? Is it just about having been heard?

At the end of the day, politics (no matter what type of government) is about heart. It is about our daily lives. It is about our culture - yes, politics shape our culture and culture shapes our political institution - it is about the world we want to leave for our next generation.

"Many forms of Government have been tried, and will be tried in this world of sin and woe. No one pretends that democracy is perfect or all-wise. Indeed, it has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time." -- Sir Winston Churchill

City of Angels

Bangkok is called the "City of Angels". And Thailand the land of smiles.

It is when you are in a place like Bangkok you experience first hand the meaning of social stratification. We first went to the latest and the "largest shopping mall in Southeast Asia", featuring branded boutiques such as Jimmy Choo, and Song + Kelly was just at the corner within the shopping centre called Paragon. Shoppers dressed well, spoke good English, and food were nicely packaged.

Then we went to the Thieves market at Chinatown. It was like the Sungei Road in Singapore. Vendors spread out a piece of cloth on the road and sell used stuff. It started raining, and vendors just wrapped their stuff and sought shelter along the corridor in front of closed shops (we did the same thing, san the "stuff").

Two "markets", two different worlds.

It was then I could not understand how it is "functional" to have such stratification. I believe that it is a vicious cycle. I hate to use the term "poverty culture", but I think it is exactly because there are limited resources for those who live in poverty to break out of their social class that they have no choice but to stuck there forever. No matter how meritocracy your society is. On the other hand, I suppose there is a need for such stratification because otherwise, who would be the one doing all the labour work? Who would be the one sitting in the handicraft center, crafting a piece of furniture (by hand, painstakingly) which was eventually sold at 10 of thousands of dollars (USD). (No I didn't buy it).

I don't like that at all. But I am in this society, and I "enjoy" the benefits of such stratification. Shame on me.

PS: How To Do Well

I am a conformist. Apparently many of us are. I mean, I subscribe to the goals accepted by the society: I ask what I can do best and how I can do best, I look for acknowledgement and appreciation from the "authority", I wanted good grades when I was in school (who wouldn't?), and I work hard to achieve all those.

I came all the way here to Singapore, a strange land, to find a decent living. And then I worked hard (still work hard) to achieve what I think is a decent living. So there you go - I am a conformist.

There were times I wish I can be a retreatist - just drop out, and don't care. It happens twice a year - when I went for my holidays. So there I was, checked myself in to a beach resort at Koh Samui or Krabi, did nothing the whole day. Went out to eat only when I felt hungry. Otherwise it would be out in the sun - reading, or just staring at the sea. Speaking of back to nature.

So yes. I long for my holiday.... Going, going, gone.

Then I come back and be a conformist again. Not necessarily bad. I always think that you need to "miss" something, then you will cherish those things that you miss once in a while. So work is fine. Work is rewarding - without work, there will be no holiday - speaking like a true conformist.

Does it matter if you do well in test? Does it matter if you fail your test?

To me, it matters. But I guess "matters" is relative. It depends on what your goals in life are. So, ask yourself (I do this very often) - what do you want people to say about you at your funeral? That would determine how we live our lives now, really.

So go ahead and say that I am a conformist. Because as a conformist, you can still be a deviant and still have a wonderful life.

ps: how to do well in Sociology? Observe more. Sociology is not something that's way out - it happens around us. After all, it is about the society we live in.

Sociology of IT

It is a challenge to go to the IT show. Apparently it was a record number of visitors this year. But you know I love challenge. So we went to the IT Show, just because Mr Goh needed a new printer.

First, it was the challenge of finding a place to park. Suntec, full. Marina Square, full. Millenia Walk, full. And the GSS didn't help.

Then, it was the challenge of getting in - "Please return in an hour" - so said the signboard. Did anyone care? Obviously not. So we squeezed in, just like everyone else.

I wonder why the IT show has become the "IT" show in town.

If we look at things from Wright Mill's "sociological imagination", then the sociology of computer can be established.

A computer (or IT gadget for that matter) is not just a machine. It has, of course, a symbolic value - like a personal ritual like the morning coffee, it is a personal ritual for many to start their days. I've heard of people who switch on their computers and check email first thing in the morning. Mr Goh for example, would go straight to the study room and on his PC to check email every evening after dinner. I check my email first thing I reach the office every morning. It has also become a social ritual - we build social network through the computer in this virual world called the cyberspace. Instead of pouring our hearts to our friends face-to-face, we do it virtually.

IT also has a huge implications on the social and economic relationships. Just look at the amount of profit generated through exhibitions like the IT shows. Our printer broke down because the photo plate spoiled - to replace that, it would cost SGD120. And to get a brand new printer (laser)? SGD178 (or could be cheaper - another brand was sold at SGD98). World's richest man? Bill Gates. World giant corporations? Apple. IBM.

And of course it is a new culture - new way of communicating, new values, new beliefs, new behaviours/conducts, new rules that we observe.

More than that. It is also a symbol of status - latest notebook so that you can bring it to school... it would be more hip if you were to bring a Mac... how fast is your machine? Do you get the latest?

During my time, I wrote letters home. Once a week. I used the lecture notepad to write letters to my mother. And I learnt to write beautiful things. I should have kept some of my letters... I wonder if my mom kept some of the letters I wrote to her. You see, if I had written it using the machine, it would be much easier for me to "archieve", wouldn't it?

Anyway, so yes, we bought the printer at SGD178.

Rules of Three

This is a simple blog. I am a simple person. I told you before.

Anyway, I attended a PR conference a couple of days ago. The conference featured mr brown and Mr Miyagi. They are funny people... really... but funny aside, they are also the "intellects" who would be able to tell you about media regulations, citizen journalism, new media is "engaging" etc.

OK so I don't follow the rule of blog. I mean, I type everything using upper and lowercase. Is this a culture thing? I am sure. Blog is not just a mode of communication, not just new media, but a new culture.

That's why I always say between you and I, we have generation gap. How sad.

So we talked about media regulations. Human's nature is to share. We are a "group" creature by nature. But why is it that we see a "need" to govern what's being said on blog, when most of the time, people are just sharing information? I suspect the sociologists would have us believe that it is the "power elite" working - there is a need for the "power elite" to retain control. But the problem with the cyberspace is that, you cannot control. And losing control is a very scary thing.

Blog is a deviance. It has changed the way we communicate, the way we see things, the way we obtain information, the way we store information. Deviance like this one is not necessarily negative. If you see it from the functionalist perspective, it is actually functional because it re-defines the concept of "boundary", it tells the society what is "mainstream" and what is "alternative", it promotes social change - change of regulations, in particular. Not just cultural change, but change in regulations, change in other social insitutions like family, education.

Look at me. Even I resort to this.