The War Between Two Women

I spoke to my mother last night. Well, I speak to her almost every night. And normally, here's how our conversation goes:
Mom: "You had your dinner?"
Me: "Yes. Just done."
Mom: "Did you cook tonight?"
Me: "Yes."
Mom: "So what did you cook?"
Me: "Oh this and this and this."
Mom: "Oh. You know, your sister-in-law...."

So there we would, or rather she would start again, complaining to me about my sister-in-law. Incidentally, she lives with my brother and his wife, and helps look after their two daughters.

As you can imagin, conflicts arise very often. So I thought I would, since I hear about it almost every day, really sit down and analyse the conflicts.

I attribute it to competition. Psychologists often wonder if competition provokes hostile conflict. And of course their studies confirm this. I can confirm this too. Both women, ie my mother and my sister-in-law are constantly "competing" with one another - they probably don't realise it, but to me, it's very clear - they compete for power - who has more power in the household? Who does the maid "report" to? Who do the kids love more? Who makes the decision as to what the kids should or shouldn't eat?... these are the issues that arise all the time.

I also attribute it to perceived injustice. Seeing from my mother's perspective, she feels that her helping of looking after my brother's kids are not appreciated by my sister-in-law. From my sister-in-law's perspective, my mom is not giving her enough "respect" as the "head of the household". Both feel that they are more competent than their other, so both feel underbenefited and thus eager to retaliate.

Misperception of course would cause the conflicts between mother- and daughter-in-law.

At the end of the day, there is really nothing I can do to make peace for these two women. Because it takes cooperation, communication, and conciliation - something that they are not really ready to do. You need these two women to find a superordinate goal - seeing that the main objective is to benefit the kids, no matter what methods it takes; willing to learn from each other (old people are really wiser when it comes to certain areas like raising a kid); have positive attitudes (which they are not willing to give up any part of their own turf yet so can't create positive attitudes); and really, I think the most important thing is that you must be willing to sacrify a bit of "power" and "turf" in order to make peace.

But until they can do that, I will still be at the receiving end of all the tiresome complaints.

Argh.